Sshhh! Don’t tell anybody, but I’ve discovered a new secret society. At least I had never heard of it before! It’s mostly active just at this season of the year. Because of that, it’s vitally important that its activities remain secret. Much hue and cry of complaint would be raised by the public – and by holiday merchants - if that secret society's subversive activities became known.
I’ll tell you a little about this group but keep it to yourself. We don’t want to let their deepest, darkest secrets see the light of day or the awareness of the shopping hordes. You see, the clandestine little club is called the "Secret Scrooge Society" and they are (Whisper!) anti-Christmas, or at least anti-Christmas buying!
They are well organized. The motto of the group is:
"Bah and Humbug to Christmas stuff.
Of merchandising, we’ve had enough!"
They have a secret handshake sign, to be used only by members. It is a tightly clenched fist shaken in front of the face.
Their public activities are clandestine. Are they behind the blizzards and ice storms that disrupt holiday shopping? Are they the cause of traffic jams near shopping malls? Are they the reason that the last item in the size you wanted has already been sold? Is it the Secret Scrooge Society that is responsible for record-setting fuel prices? Are they the reason why the TV set you bought for Uncle Ebenezer didn’t work when you got it home? I don’t know, and certainly no member of the society would own up to their mischief.
Their meeting times and places are secret, too, of course, and I am not privy to that information. I have been told, however, that all their gatherings begin with the singing of their theme song. Set to a familiar Christmas tune, it gives them a chance to vent some of their anti-materialistic feelings about the holidays, as you can see:
THEME SONG OF THE SECRET SCROOGE SOCIETY
(TUNE: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
On the first day of Christmas, my sweetheart gave to me,
A gift card from the WalMart in the mall.
On the second day of Christmas, my parents gave to me,
Two candlesticks, .....
On the third day of Christmas, the salesman promised me,
Three flat screen TVs,....
On the fourth day of Christmas, my in-laws gave to me,
Four Christmas trees, .....
On the fifth day of Christmas, my children gave to me,
Five pairs of earrings, ....
On the sixth day of Christmas, our neighbors gave to us,
Six plates of cookies, ....
On the seventh day of Christmas, my best friend gave to me,
Seven heavy sweaters, ....
On the eighth day of Christmas, my grandkids gave to me,
Eight fuzzy muppets, ....
On the ninth day of Christmas, some jokester sent to me,
Nine brief bikinis, ....
On the tenth day of Christmas, Secret Santa gave to me,
Ten lottery tickets, ....
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the scales gave to me,
Eleven extra fat pounds, ....
On the twelfth day of Christmas, I ordered for myself,
A twelve cubic foot dumpster, ....":
I’d like to know: how much are the membership dues? Perhaps by cutting back on holiday buying, I could afford to join!
6 Dec 2011- mshr